DIVORCE VS. DEATH

Divorce vs. Death

Why is it when we separate from those we love, whether it is by choice, or not the pain is so significant? One might be in a relationship that is abusive, either physical, verbal, sexual, and/or mental, even those that are very difficult each and every day to live with are painful to separate from.  A divorce or a breakup is painful because it represents a significant loss, much like death.  The dreams one once shared with another human being are no longer there. When relationships fail, the commitment has been broken and we feel profound disappointment stress and grief. When death occurs there is a sense of no turning back.

Whether one is dealing with separation, divorce or death it brings individuals into new territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A separation, divorce and even death bring uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from these types of situations is often very difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with yourself and the process.

REMEMBER…

• It is ok to have different feelings. It is normal to go through a series of feelings that include sadness, anger, exhaustion, frustration and confusion, all which can be very overwhelming. You may feel anxious about the future. Accepting these reactions is very important and learning to understand what you are going through is normal although at times very frightening.
• Give yourself permission to feel and to function at different level for a period of time. You may not be able to be as productive on the job or care for others exactly the way you are accustomed to for a little while. Give yourself the time to heal and re-energize. For those of you that have children or loved ones to care for, remember in order to effectively care for others, we must learn to take care of ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually, so take time for You!
• Do not feel like you must go through this alone. Sharing your feelings with friends and family can help you get through this period. Consider contacting a life coach or joining a support group where you can talk to others in similar situations. Separating yourself from individuals that are supportive can raise your stress levels, reduce your concentration, and get in the way of your work, relationships, and overall health.
• While your friends and family are essential for support, it is very important to select your confidant carefully as many individuals even though are supportive may actually make matters worse or lead you down the wrong path by fueling feelings of anger or rage that are unhealthy or share information that only hurts. Choosing a divorce or a life coach can be a healthier and stable choice.

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Raising a Child in two Separate Homes

When parents determine they can no longer live together due to problems, one or both make the decision to divorce or separate. This can be very challenging and frustrating because for one reason or another the parents cannot seem to be able to communicate.

Separated parents may take issue with each other if there are any differences in parenting style, expectations or structure. It is important for parents to establish some guidelines in areas of concern for their child, to prevent conflict, but with the understanding neither parent has the right to micromanage the other –This is what creates conflict. Areas that are often a concern between two home are bedtimes, curfews, social media, cell phones, discipline just to name a few.

Consistency in parenting styles, expectations and structure are helpful for children, but they are not strictly required. Even among families that are living together, there are often remarkable differences between the parents, yet the children are not harmed by the experience. Other evidence that children are not necessarily harmed by differences in style, expectations or structure comes by looking at the normal course of children’s lives in areas other than home life.

Over the course of life, especially in today’s world, a child will be subject to the care of alternate care providers, school teachers, baby sitters, daycares, coaches and instructors. A child learns to differentiate the styles, expectations and structures placed by all these different people and situations and thrive. Children learn to run during soccer, yet walk on the deck at the swimming pool. Whereas in one class he or she may be required to sit quietly, in another they may be allowed to ask questions directly of the teacher. Therefore, different teachers will impose a variety of expectations and children learn to differentiate between them and manage accordingly.

As parental differences become known, some parents may seek to use these differences as cause for limiting the other parent’s relationship, influence or time with the child or may seek to impose their style, expectations and structure, or way of doing things on the other parent. At times, one parent may inappropriately speak ill of the other parent to their child in regards to the differences, which is very unsuitable and does not teach a child anything positive.

Parents need to appreciate they can have different styles, expectations and structure, as does virtually every teacher have their own way of managing a classroom. As long as a parent’s behavior is not unruly or abusive and the child progresses developmentally appropriately. Different parental styles, expectations and structure can actually benefit the child as the child learns to adapt and manage a variety of situations.

With regard to child development, it is usually not parental differences that is harmful to children, but rather conflict between parents over their differences. Children can adapt to their parents’ differences but being drawn into their conflict is distressing and distracting.

Parents who are distressed over their differences are advised to determine if the differences are truly significant, or just annoying to themselves before raising objections. He or she should ask themselves a question “Is your concern child-focused or self-focused?”

If the child is distressed by parental differences and brings issue from one parent to the other, it can be advisable to redirect the child back to the other parent to discuss the issue directly, and not put yourself in the middle. In this process, the child will learn to communicate his or her concerns directly and the parents maintain a more appropriate boundary between themselves. This is in much the same way as one teacher wouldn’t take on the issues of another teacher, but would redirect the student to deal directly with the other teacher.

Given the opportunity most parents appreciate being able to manage their own relationship with their children without intrusion. If one parent looks unreasonable, it may be that they are just annoyed for having their style, expectations and structure dictated by the other parent.

Parents are advised to be certain parental differences are truly problematic, before discussing the issue with the other parent, do not assume anything. If difficulties continue, seek professional guidance from a life coach, a parenting coordinator or someone that has experience working with individuals raising a child in two separate homes,  he or she can guide you through the process, help you identify what your concerns are and assist you in creating a plan to help alleviate the stress you are experiencing.

Kimberly S. Rogge-Rogers, is a Certified Divorce Coach and Parenting Coordinator. She specializes in Divorce mediation and Child-Centered Parenting Coordination for more information please contact her at kim.rogge.rogers@gmail.com.